The Ex-Husband

I won't call him mine as I wish to have no claim on him at all!

We met when we were both 20. I had just decided to take a break from school (read as "quit altogether and regret it ever since) and was spending a lot of time with my best friend and her parents new business. They had just opened a skate park and it was a fun place to hang out. So, long story short, the ex was a skater who frequented the park and one night he asked me for my number and if I would want to go out sometime. I had recently ended my relationship with my "first love"/childhood sweetheart and had never really been asked out like this so I pounced on the opportunity of the experience. We dated and before I knew it, I had moved in with him and was engaged. Looking back, I was such a naive and silly little GIRL!!! Not the woman I am today, but a girl!!!!

Life was so carefree at that time and things just happened so fast. Things that would forever make me who I am today. After six months of living together we were married; a year later we got pregnant with Julia; nine months later we were mourning her stillbirth; three months after her death we were pregnant with Jacob; three months into the pregnancy the ex leaves me; six months later I find myself a single mother. Whew....did you get all that? Obviously there is a lot more to that story, but it will have to be told at a much slower pace and all in due time.

The ex left Jacob and I for another girl. (I say girl because seeing as how I was much more mature than his newbie, and I still considered myself a girl; thus we will call her a girl.) Amazingly we had never really fought at all during our relationship together. I was just a tree blowing in the breeze without a care in the world when the next thing I know I am being cut into little pieces by a crazy person carrying a chainsaw.

The night before he left, he had left the house to go help a friend; although I had asked if I could go too, he refused to let me go and then never came home. He came home the next morning and told me it was over and that he was leaving. He had found someone new and chose to be with her over me. During our enormous fight that ensued; I learned that he had been unfaithful to me our ENTIRE relationship. He had cheated on me with numerous other girls and he felt that the death of our daughter was God's way of punishing him for being unfaithful to me. He thought that if he left and "allowed me" to move on with my life that things would turn out okay for the new baby I carried.

Yeah, whatever. He just wanted a good excuse for ending it with me so he could go be free with another girl (or girls, however you choose to look at it). I was crushed. I did not believe in divorce and could not fathom going through one. I begged and pleaded with him to come back. I told him I forgave him and I wanted to make it work. He strung me along telling me that as soon as the baby got here he would come back home.....Oh my was I such a stupid and naive and pathetic wreck for all I did to try to get him back.

Needless to say, Jacob was born happy and healthy with the ex in the room along with my mother, all three sisters and a best friend who all wanted nothing more than to take the ex outside and beat the crap out of him. At the end of my son's birth day the ex left telling me he would be back the next morning. He showed up that next evening and after I told him we would probably be going home the next day, he promised to be there to take all of us home. Together, to stay.

The next day we were released to go home. But, there was no one but my mother to take us home. The ex was not there. We stayed with my mom those first few days until I felt like I could do it on my own and then I went home. Just me and Jacob. The ex had called the second day at my mom's house and asked if he could bring his mom and sister by to see the baby. I told him yes, but that his sister's toddler needed to not come. As the doctor did not want Jacob around ANY other children. Well, they show up with the toddler who has a snotty nose and they all got upset when I met them at the door and refused to let the toddler in the house.

I finally gave up on the ex ever coming back. And after the way he treated me, it felt quite liberating to come to that decision. But, for Jacob I would call and call to get the ex to come spend time with him. Maybe once out of every four attempts would he actually show up.

I begged for money for formula and diapers and it never came. I was far too proud to seek government assistance; although I think we would have definitely qualified for it. And in order to make sure my son's basic needs were met, I pawned much of what the ex left in the house (which wasn't much). I also went back to work 5 weeks after he was born and within 3 months of his birth, we were packing up and moving in with my mother. Where we lived for the next 2 years.

In those two years, I can count on one hand how many times the ex saw Jacob. How my heart just ached for Jacob. How I desperately wished he had a father who cared anything for him instead of nothing for him. And in the years that followed, A year or two's stretch was not uncommon for him to not see Jacob. How must it feel to have your own flesh and blood not give a damn about you. And of course I have NEVER said one negative thing about the ex to Jacob. NEVER; despite wanting to on more than occasion when Jacob has just idolized him. But can you blame him? For so long the mythical word "father" was no different than saying the "Easter Bunny" and "Santa" to him. They all were mysterious, never seen, and left him gifts once a year.

Well, Jacob is now 10 years old and for the first time in his life, is actually spending a few weeks with the ex. We are going on 2 weeks now and I miss him terribly. I hope in this time Jacob is able to get a better grasp of who is father really is. But more than anything I hope the ex realizes what an amazing son he has and gives him the desire to foster a loving relationship with Jacob. Time will tell. But, as in the past, I won't hold my breath for things I can't depend on happening.

I'm still alive.....

I'm back after a little time away to collect my thoughts. No, I didn't travel anywhere, I just took time away from myself to focus on my children. As I sat here looking at some other blogs I follow I realized how badly I wanted to start this blog and how much I have severely neglected it. There is so much I want to get out there and haven't. I'm really not sure where to start.

Bubble Gum Picnic

When my son was 4 we went grocery shopping early one morning and in his sleepy little guy head he decided we needed a HUGE pack of bubble gum. I asked him what for and he said "well, we can go on a picnic". I almost laughed out loud, but he looked so honest and sincere. So I bought that HUGE pack of gum (like 10 regular packages in one), went home and unloaded groceries, put a big blanket in the car and off we went on a "bubble gum picnic". We laid on that blanket at the park and just smacked piece after piece of bubble gum. Trying to blow bubbles, looking at the clouds, giggling, laughing and just enjoying each other to pieces. He is 10 now and doesn't remember that day, but I do with very fond memories. I asked him just the other day if he wanted to go on a bubble gum picnic and he looked at me as if I had lost my mind...probably the same look I gave him 6 years ago. But whatever, my baby is growing up. Can't wait to take my 15 month old twins on one when they are old enough to not swallow it all!!!

Background

I suppose in order to understand who I am, it's important to know me from the beginning.

I am the oldest of five children, with two very devoted and loving parents. Dad is and always has been a blue-collar worker. And he is a hard worker as well. He taught me at a young age the importance of doing a job well, seeing it through to completion and the reasons why you should do a job in the first place. Integrity, pride and attention to detail are key character traits I can proudly say I learned from Dad.

For most of my childhood, Mom was a stay-at-home mom. She labored to keep our house clean (although we never let it stay clean for long), she kept great meals on the table and made sure we were raised to be the best we could be. She was always there for us; whether we wanted her there or not! Sometimes a little too over-protective and sheltering; but always done with our best interest at heart and lots and lots of love. When my youngest sibling entered high school, Mom decided her work at home was done and she got a job in retail and quickly rose in the ranks to management. I guess "managing" all of us kids gave her great skills in the working world and she excelled.

We didn't have a lot of material things growing up, but we had each other and that's all that mattered. We were some pretty imaginative kids creating a new "world" in our backyard daily where we could be anyone or anything. Oh, to be a kid again. So wild and carefree. Laughing and running and enjoying each other's company.

I was an unruly child at home. Always bossing my younger siblings around as though they were my little minions. But, in school I was horribly shy, quiet, studious and very lonely. I was the little girl everyone teased and taunted. I never had any true friends until I reached Jr. High. I squelched my empty feelings and dove into my school work and realized I really enjoyed learning. It has been a passionate "hobby" of mine for nearly all of my life. I am still eager for knowledge and crave learning new things. I hope I can pass this on to my children. "The mind is a terrible thing to waste" and "knowledge is power" should be my mottos.

I don't think my parents ever knew the extent to which I was lonely and unwanted by my peers in school. They knew I had little to no friends but I wonder if they knew the pain it caused me. It still hurts a little to remember that lonely little girl wandering around the outskirts of the playground alone, with her head down, watching her feet shuffle through the dirt. But you know, I don't think God wished me to hurt. I had my family there every minute of everyday when I wasn't in school. Maybe He showed me loneliness so I would appreciate and savor companionship. So that when I did get friends, I would stay the course and be the best friend ever. One of my very first true friends I met in Jr. High and although we have had our ups and our downs, she is still a HUGE part of my life and always will be. I don't think I would have valued her friendship had I not wished for a friend so badly before.

Ugh, this is dampening my spirits too much. So I will close this post by saying this:
I am no longer the wall flower, lonely and lost little girl of my past. I am a very happy and empowered woman. With wonderful friends and family that I cherish so much.

Hello!

So here I sit writting my first blog. I'm very excited and at the same time a little reserved. Do I really want the whole world to know every intimate thing about me. All my thoughts and dreams, hopes and desires, disappointments and heartaches? I feel like a child made to stand in front of teasing pupils and give a speech for the first time. But, as I've already said; I am excited too. I want to show everyone who I really am and what makes me tick. So, wish me luck...Here goes nothing!