Julia Mechelle

For me, today marks the 12th anniversary of an event no mother ever believes will happen to her. An event so tragic and heart wrenching that it makes some question God's love and reasoning. An event I wish no mother ever has to endure, but one that I have.

Today is the anniversary of learning my child had died. A death that occurred on May 19, 1999 to a beautiful baby girl named Julia Mechelle.

After nine long months of waiting and planning, hoping and dreaming, and most importantly of falling madly in love with the child growing inside my body; I was told "I'm so sorry. Your baby has died."

It has been 12 years since I cried and grieved through a 12 hour labor that wasn't going to end in a hello celebration but would end in a somber goodbye. It's been 12 years since I held my child's body against my chest and cried out to God to breathe life back into her. A body still warm from having just been in my womb, but containing no life. 12 years since the sobering realization that "she was gone" washed over my soul like a tidal wave. 12 years since I looked lovingly at her face and beamed with a mother's joy at her beauty, while weaving my fingers through long, dark hair that I would never have the pleasure of brushing every day. Caressing tiny hands and fingers that would never hold mine. Kissing little feet that would never make steps of "pitter, patter" in my home. Eyes that would never gaze into my own. Lips that would never form the word "mama" or give sweet kisses of love. 12 years since I left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart.

Instead of busily adjusting to life as a new mother, I was busily arranging a funeral for my daughter. Instead of proudly carrying my new baby to introduce her to family and friends, I solemnly sat next to her casket in a fuzzy dream where a fake smile was plastered on my face like a clown.

It was the face of a woman forever changed. A woman with an empty hole in her heart, scarred from the inside out. A woman, a mother, who thankfully found peace in God's loving arms. A mother who was comforted knowing her daughter was with Him and knowing that by truly accepting Him in her heart and giving her life to Him she would one day be reunited with her.

I have moved passed questioning God's reasoning to accepting His plan and ultimately to a vague understanding of His plan; albeit not entirely, I'm sure. Were it not for Julia's untimely death, I would not have been blessed by my son Jacob's birth. Nor would I have been free to find love with my husband Matt and surely I would not have been doubly blessed by the birth of my son Nicholas and my daughter Kathryn.

In these 12 years I have found myself dreaming of what Julia's earthly life may have been. Would she have made a mess of her 1st birthday cake? Would she have been "terrible" or "terrific" at two and three? Who would have cried more on her first day of preschool and kindergarten at four and five--she or I? Would her smile be missing a few teeth at six and seven? Would she prove to be a book worm like her mom at eight and nine? Would she be supremely embarrassed at ten or eleven when we had to shop for her first bra? Would twelve be the year that she becomes a woman, or wants to wear makeup, or wants to shave her legs or all of the above?

And I also wonder at what Julia's Heavenly life has become. I imagine her bathed in the light of the Glory of God, walking with Jesus and finding her purpose. Does she help with the younger children of Heaven? Does she laugh and smile and run and play? Does she miss and long for me as I do for her? Count the time until we are together again?
Some say time heals all wounds, but the pain of saying goodbye before I got to say hello to Julia is still very real and very raw. I haven't "gotten over it" or "forgotten about it". I have worked through her death and come to terms with her death, but will never forget her. I have learned to look past my grief and loss and have learned to be thankful for the time I had with her. I've learned to appreciate and thank God for all the blessings I do have; a wonderful family and network of friends who are always there to see me through the hard times. And after 12 years, there are still many of those hard times. But I must remember that my grief over my loss should be rejoiced as her gain. For I know she is with God and although I am often times overcome with greed in wanting her here with me, I know there is no better place for her if not in my arms than in the Lords. So, it is these words that I will say, if not for her but for me:

My darling little girl,
Fear not sweet Julia for I can promise that through God's promise and His Son Jesus Christ, that we will meet again in Heaven. And what a glorious event that will be. Sending love with all my heart on your 12th birthday!

Mom
May 19, 2011